Brian: Good afternoon. I’m Brian Gumball.
Katie: And I’m Katie Cutetrick, broadcasting from
Athens, Greece, site of the 2004 sex Olympics.
Brian: Sex is just a demonstration sport this year,
but the International Sex Committee hope to have it
instated as a medal sport for 2008 in Beijing . NBC
Sports is broadcasting from the male female venue,
today. You can catch the male male venue on MSNBC
and the female female venue on CNBC.
Katie: The male-male and female-female venues are
surprisingly popular among the local Greeks.
Brian: Don’t forget, Katie, that the Greek island
of Lesbos is only a few hundred miles from here. You
may remember from college that the Platonic love that
Plato wrote about in the Symposium is actual love
between men and teenage boys.
Katie: I did not read that. Maybe I was absent
that day.
Brian: Here in the male -female venue, we have
teams competing from all over the world. To explain
the rules and the history of the sex Olympics, Katie
spoke with the president of the U. S. Sex Committee,
actress Paris France.
Katie: Paris, what are the rules for Olympics sex?
Paris: Sex is a physical sport, like tennis or
gymnastics. But it is also an artistic sport, like
figure skating. We score the athletes for physical
prowess and erotic passion.
Katie: How do you score the physical part?
Paris: Each couple has exactly fifteen minutes.
They can score one point for each female orgasm and
two points for each male orgasm during those fifteen
minutes. A couple can try for multiple female
orgasms at one point each, or they can try for two
male orgasms in fifteen minutes.
Katie: I know how to see a male orgasm, but how
about a female orgasm? As we know, some women can act
very convincingly.
Paris: I never have. But to be sure, we have a
sensor taped below the woman’s navel. It can reliably
detect any orgasm a woman has. I have tested it. It
works.
Katie: What about the erotic passion?
Paris: Passion is judged by a panel of seven
judges, four men and three women. They rate the
couple on spontaneity, innovation, and pleasure.
Sex should be fun. We want the contestants to enjoy
themselves.
Katie: What are the rules for the contestants?
Paris: Unlike many sports, we take amateur standing
very seriously. Any man or woman who has engaged in
professional sex is automatically disqualified. That
includes acting in pornographic videos, as well as
prostitutes, escorts, and gigolos. Also, we
absolutely forbid any performance enhancing drugs,
such as Viagra, as well as the usual steroids. We had
to disqualify a top American team because he was using
the Alpha Male pill. Finally, we like couples to
have been together for at least six months. This is
serious competition, not a quick hook up.
Katie: How often do couples rehearse?
Paris: Couples should rehearse often enough to have
confidence and not performance anxiety, not so often
that they lose spontaneity and freshness. Usually,
couples rest for a day or two between performances,
but that is really up to them.
Katie: Thank you, Paris. And good luck to the
American teams.
Paris: Thank you.
Brian: Now, we have the Russian team of Grabova and
Grosskoff out on the bed.
Katie: Irena Grabova and Dimitri Grosskoff have been
together doing sex in competition for almost a year.
They are very physical, but they may lack erotic
style.
Brian: They like to undress rapidly, and get down to
business.
Katie: They like to do oral sex first, so here they
go.
Brian: They seem to be very aroused.
Katie: Grosskoff is about to cum in Irena’s mouth.
That gives them two points. I think he came early.
He might not have what it takes to get Grabova off in
less then five minutes.
Brian: Grosskoff finally got her off with his
tongue.
Katie: Irena is trying to get him hard again so he
can have intercourse with her. But she has only
three minutes left.
Brian: Oops. There is the bell. Grosskoff and
Grabova finish with three points. They also
received 1.9 erotic style points from the judges, for
a total of 4.9 points. That will probably not put
them in the hunt for a medal.
Katie: This just in. NBC news has learned that a
coup is being attempted in the African country of
Togo. The rebels have seized the radio, and changed
the format from Top 40 to Easy Listening. *
Brian: After they clean the bed, we’ll introduce the
next team.
Katie: The next team is from Italy, Maria Dolce and
Andrea Forte. They are actually married to each
other, lucky them. Although I hear they are not
exclusive. They are considered one of the top teams
who might medal at these Olympics.
Brian: Dolce and Forte are wearing full fishnet body
suits, through which you see everything. In addition
they have some strategically placed holes for their
sex organs. Her prominant nipples and large round
breasts emerge from two of those holes.
Katie: Look at the size of his member! And he’s
not fully hard, yet.
Brian: He will be soon. They are the bed in a
side-by-side sixty-nine position.
Katie: Maria seems to be devouring his penis.
She’s going on him like a baby on a lollipop. He
slurping her vagina like it’s an ice cream cone about
to melt.
Brian: Now he is on his knees. Maria has gripped
his neck with her legs and is hanging up side down,
with her mouth still engulfing his penis. However,
her orgasm meter just went off, giving them one point.
Katie: Andrea is shooting in her mouth. She is
somehow able to swallow it all while hanging up side
down. Amazing.
Brian: He still hard, so he has lowered her onto
her knees. Andrea has positioned himself behind
her, so he can penetrate from behind.
Katie: His size and effort is having its effect.
She is having another orgasm. They have four points
already. That guy certainly can ring my bell.
Brian: We have to be professional about this,
Katie. Take your hand out of your panties.
Katie: You have a pretty bulge in your pants,
yourself, Brian.
Brian: Lets see what the judges are doing. They
should be able to control themselves.
My God. The Israeli judge is kneeling on the floor.
He has the Egyptian judge’s abaya robe over her waist,
and giving her clitoris a monster licking. And she
seems to be enjoying every stroke.
Katie: Doesn’t that violate Islamic notions of
modesty?
Brian: It’s okay as long as he does not uncover her
hair.
Katie: It looks as if the Japanese judge has her
skirt up, and is sitting on the Chinese judge. She is
bouncing on him, giving them both a good time.
Brian: The German judge is bending over the French
judge. He has his pants down, and his pawing her
breasts. Her panties are at her knees, and he
plowing into her, just like Forte is doing to Dolce.
Katie: What about the American judge?
Brian: He’s just jerking himself off. Americans
believe in unilateral action.
Katie: There is no reason why we have to be, Brian.
Let me help you with that bulge in your slacks.

Announcer: Due to technical difficulties, we can no
longer bring you the sex Olympics. We now join the
women’s Marathon race, already in progress.

* Actual Bob Costas joke.