“So,” her voice was a horse whisper. “Do you want to come back to my
place and have sex with me?” she looked across at me.
I looked up shocked. Then I recovered my composure. “Why?” I asked,
putting an edge in my voice.
She smiled, almost giggled, “What do you mean?”
“I mean, what’s the point, Alexandra?” I looked at her.
She looked up at my face. “I don’t understand.”
I sighed and let the edge drop. “The last time I asked you to make
love to me, to give me an orgasm, you asked me what was the point.” I
remembered that night when I tried so futilely to make contact with
her one last time. I decided to add a bit of humour, “I mean, you
never asked what was the point in me making you come.”
She didn’t get the joke. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean.”
I sighed. “It doesn’t mean anything, Alexandra. It’s a joke.”
“I never asked you to ‘make love’ to me, Kevin,” she said. “You just
did it to me because you wanted me to suck your prick.”
I looked down, realizing that she still didn’t understand. “I made
love to you because I wanted you to come. I wanted to give you
pleasure.” I looked up, “O.K. so maybe it was just an ego boost for me
to make you come. And yeah I enjoyed it. I wouldn’t have done it if I
didn’t.” I shook my head, “But I didn’t do it so you’d feel that you
owed me something. I didn’t do it just to get some cheap trill back. I
did it to you because I loved you.”
She looked down and said nothing.
I tried to explain once again. “I gave my love to you freely and
openly, without reservation. I made love to you to show you how much I
loved you. And I wanted you to love me. That’s not greed that’s human
nature.”
She didn’t respond.
“I made love to you because I loved you. And I wanted you to make love
to me, because I wanted you to love me.” I ran out of words, “There’s
nothing more I can say, Alexandra.” I shrugged, “If you don’t
understand now, you’ll never understand.”
“It’s difficult for me, Kevin.” She stopped and smiled, “But then you
don’t want to know anything about that.”
“No I don’t,” I replied dryly.
“Let’s just say,” she spoke slowly and deliberately. “No promises and
no demands.” She looked into my eyes, “That I want to make love to
you. That I want to have sex with you. That I love you. And that you
don’t even have to accept that I do. And you don’t have to love me
back.” Her eyes pleaded with me, “I just want to show you how much I
love you.” She looked down, “Like you tried to show me.”
I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to fuck her so badly. And yet I
wanted to remain loyal to Jasmine. But hadn’t I already betrayed
Jasmine by the way I felt, the way I couldn’t get Alexandra out of my
mind, the way she still had a hold on me? And wouldn’t I be betraying
myself, wouldn’t she have won some sort of victory over me if I let
her make love to me now? But isn’t that what I wanted all along, for
her to want to make love love to me? And wouldn’t I be the real winner
by finally having “my evil way” with her?
Yet wasn’t the fact that she wanted to make love to me the important
thing? Not weather or not we actually did it. I’d wanted her to feel
the love for me that I felt for her. But now I loved Jasmine and I no
longer wanted her to love me. Oh I still loved her, but if she didn’t
love me I could forget about her. Like I almost had. Now that she’d
told me that she loved me how would I ever manage to let her go?
But the waiter arrived with the bill and I was spared having to work
through all that and coming up with an answer. I took out my plastic
and barely glancing at the bill handed it back to him.
Alexandra took note. “Hold on, Kevin,” she said. “I’m not letting you
pay for this meal.”
I smiled back, “Well I was hoping that you’d give me your half in
cash. I don’t have enough so I have to use my card.”
“Oh,” she nodded and took her purse out of her bag. “That’s alright.”
She counted out and handed me the cash.
“Thanks,” I pocketed it and we looked at each other, waiting for me to
come up with an answer.
“Well,” I admitted. “You’ve certainly caught me completely by
surprise, Alexandra. I’d never have expected you to ask that.” I
shrugged, “I mean you always said no when ever I asked you.” I lent
forward, “OK. I accept that you didn’t call what we did do sex. So I
presume that what you are saying is that you want spent the night with
me, to give yourself fully into the act rather that holding back like
you did.” I snorted, at myself more than anything else, “What I’m
saying is that you’re going to let me come. Give me an orgasm like?”
She hesitated. “Well yes, Kevin,” she said. “That’s what sex is all
about, isn’t it?”
I laughed. “If you had asked me that before I met you I’d have agreed.
But now,” I shrugged, “I’m not so sure.”
She lent forward to touch my arm. “Let’s forget about that, Kevin,”
she said. “I want to get as close to you as I can.” She looked into my
eyes, “I want to be processed totally by you.”
I looked back into her dark, green eyes and had an instant hard on.
Then the waiter came back and I signed the counterfoil and took my
card back. As I put it away I looked at Alexandra. She was still
looking longingly at me.
“Listen, Alexandra,” I said. “I just don’t know what you want from
me.”
“I want to know that you love me, Kevin,” she squeezed my arm.
“I never said that I didn’t love you, Alexandra,” I looked down. “I’ve
always loved you.”
She was silent for a moment, then she asked, “And do you tell Jasmine
that you love her, as well?”
“Of course I do,” I smiled.
“And which time are you telling the truth?” her voice had lost some of
the anger. “Which time do you mean it?”
I looked at her, puzzled. “I mean it both times.” I shook my head, “I
wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.”
“So you’re telling me that you love us both?” her voice had changed
from anger to incredulity.
I shrugged, “Well yes.” But some how I didn’t feel convinced.
Once again she was demonstrating her knack of totally undermining my
self-confidence. I had come to her with my feelings all worked out and
explained. And once again she was reacting in a way I hadn’t expected
and was asking questions I’d never thought of.
“How can you love two people at once?” she demanded.
“Quite easily,” I smiled back. I was going to tell her that I loved my
mother and farther and brothers and sisters, but the look on her face
stopped me. “I fall in love easily,” I added as an explanation.
“You fall in love easily and you fall out of love easily,” she said.
That wasn’t true. “I’ve loved you for over two years now,” I
explained. “And I only started my love affair with Jasmine when you
broke off our relationship.”
I looked away from her again, “I’ve loved you since the very first
time that I saw you. I’ve never stopped loving you. And I never will.”
“You just started loving her instead !” she hissed.
“You didn’t want me ! What was I supposed to? Commit suicide !” I
replied.
We glared at each other.
“Listen,” I looked away. “I think about you all the time. Even when
I’m with her.” I snorted, “Hell I seem to spend half my time talking
to her about you. it’s a wonder that she hasn’t dumped me because of
it.” No wonder, I thought. Jasmine really loves me.
“Well I don’t see how you can love two girls at once,” she said. “I
mean really, properly love them.”
There was silence for a moment.
“I think you love one of us and only lust after the other,” she
explained.
I looked at her and saw that she was serious. I decided that I’d have
to accept that. She would never believe that I could love two people
at once. But I could live with lust. I have nothing against lust. I
believe that it’s an healthy enough emotion. In moderation.
“Well I admit that there are differences in my feelings for each of
you. But I can’t tell which one is love and which one is lust.” I
shrugged, “I guess you’ll just have to decide that for yourself.”
She lent across the table, smiled as she put her arms around my neck,
closed her eyes and kissed me.
I didn’t know how to react.
She pulled away and smiled broadly at me. “I don’t remember you as
being shy in public,” she teased.
It was time for one of those spilt second decisions. Something clicked
inside me and I just didn’t care any more, I mean I stopped worrying
and started to act. O.K lets be brutality honest about it, my hormones
took over.
I reached behind her head and with both hands pulled her to me, pushed
my tongue into her mouth and kiss her as passionately as I could.
She responded and it was a good five minuets before we came up for
air. And we noticed that we getting a lot of attention from the
people at adjoining tables.
We both knew that we where going back to her place, but I still didn’t
trust my judgement of her completely.
“Are you going to invite me back for coffee?” I asked.
“No,” she smiled. “I’m going to drag you back. And we wouldn’t be
having coffee.”
She stood up and half dragged me to my feet and out onto the street.
We ended up walking up Georges Street with my arm around her shoulder
and her arm around my waist. Our hips and ribs, bumping and rubbing
against each other.
When we reached the entrance to her flat we kissed long and hard
before we disengaged so she could search through her bag for her keys
and let us in.
As soon as we where inside she kicked off her shoes and threw her coat
onto the bed. I just had time to take off my own coat, before her arms
where around me again and her tongue was in my mouth.
I hugged her close and she squeezed back, our tongues rolling around
each other. It felt so bloody good to hold her again.
Then I ran my hands down her back and started to squeeze and massage
her bottom. She wiggled against me and I could feel my erection
pressing against her. She obviously felt it to, because she stepped
back and looked down at it. My hands came up to her hips as hers
dropped onto my biceps.
“So …” she whispered, still looking down at me.
I smiled and brought my hands up to gently squeeze her breasts. She
sighed and I started to unbutton her blouse. She watched my hands as I
worked my way down and pulled it out from under her skirt. I ran my
hands along her arms and unbuttoned first her left cuff, then her
right. I slipped my hands inside her blouse and ran them up her sides,
brushing her breasts as I slipped my fingers into the tops of her
sleeves and pushed the blouse from her shoulders. Then I ran my hands
down her arms and let the blouse drop to the floor.
She was wearing a black lace bra underneath. I ran my fingers around
its edges and gently brushed them across the cups. I traced the straps
under her arms and around and across her shoulders. Then I slipped my
finders inside to touch her nipples and gently rubbed back and forth
across them.
She let out a deep sigh.
I slipped my hands out and reached around to unhook the bra. As I
watched her breasts drop free I pulled the straps from her shoulders
and let the bra drop onto the floor. I ran my hands back down her
shoulders and under her arms to come up and cup her breasts. Gently I
lent down and kissed each nipple. First left then right, then left
again.
Her hands came up to run her fingers through my hair.
“So does this bitchy villain in your novel have big tits then?” she
whispered.
I smiled with out taking my eyes off her breasts. “Oh they’re about so
big,” I cupped my hands around her left breast.
“You should have given her big ones,” she ran her hands across my
head.
“No,” I replied as I lent forward. “I don’t like’em too big.” And I
licked her nipple.
“I thought all men liked big tits,” she sighed.
“That’s like saying all women like big pricks,” I replied in between
sucks.
“We do,” she giggled.
I moved up to look her in the face, “Well I’m sorry to disappoint
you.” I kissed her lips.
“Oh, no. You don’t,” she seem surprised. “You’re huge.”
I smiled back, “Flatter.” And clamped my mouth to her’s, pushing my
tongue inside, to shut her up.
She ran her hands up and down my body, wiggling from side to side to
brush her nipples across my chest.
I ran my hands down her back and pushed my fingers under the waist
band of her skirt. The I ran them around and unfastened it. As I
pushed it down she lent back, clasping her hands behind my neck to
slow her descent and bring me down to lie on top of her. I lent
forward and found my lips on her nipple again. Her legs came up around
my waist. And as I caressed her breasts she licked and sucked my ears.
I was in heaven again.
I started to work my way down her body. Moving from side to side,
kissing and nibbling. I pushed my hands under her skirt and started to
pull her panties down. she lifted her body up and I knelt up between
her legs as I pulled her skirt and panties free.
Then she lay completely naked in front of me. Her legs to either side,
her hands behind her head. A smile on her face as she watched me
looking at her. She was so beautifully proportioned, with high conical
breasts, the muscles defined on her arms, narrow waist and strong hips
and thighs. And her long, black hair sprayed across half her face and
her shoulder, just reaching the nipple of her left breast.
But my eyes drawn to her vagina. She had thick curly hair, but her
lips open and moist. I lent down and sniffed. Then gently licked. And
before I knew what had happened my mouth was clamped tight, as I
sucked and probed and licked for all I was worth.
“No ! no,” she pushed me away.
I looked up confused.
She sat up to face me. “I want you naked in bed,” she smiled.
Her hands undid my fly and I lent back on my arms to let her pull my
jeans down. Then she realised I still had my shoes and stockings on.
So she quickly tore them off and pulled off my jeans and underpants.
I lay back on my elbows and let her look at me.
“You’ve lost all that flab,” she whispered.
“I’ve been getting a lot of exercise lately,” I smiled back.
“I bet,” she looked up with a wicket grin on her face. “Come on,” she
stood up and walked across to the bed.
I stood and followed, walking that strange walk I always get when I’m
naked with an erection.
She pulled back the covers and climbed into bed. Moving across to the
far said and holding the covers up to welcome me in. I climbed onto
the bed and reached for her.
She rolled on top, pulling the covers over her head and giggling as I
ran my right hand down her abdomen and my left up to her breast. My
tongue found her other nipple so I opened my mouth and sucked her
breast in. She moaned as my hand found her wet and open. I pushed my
middle two fingers inside and she began to rock back and forward. I
rubbed in time to her rhythm, my fingers hooked inside, the balls of
hand rubbing outside. Her mouth found my ear and my world was reduced
to a timeless eternity of just a few sensations, my fingers in her
vagina, her nipple on my tongue, her body rocking back and forth, her
tongue on my ear and the background static of the hormones racing
through my veins.
She shuddered from head to toe, gave a deep sigh and pushed my hand
away. “Hmmmm, that was nice,” she turned her head and lightly kissed
me on the cheek. Then she rolled away, snuggled her shoulder into my
arm pit and curled up around my right arm. “Good night,” she
whispered.
Once again she had shut me out in a way that I couldn’t argue with.
What she had just done would have been an perfect way to end our love
making, if only our love making had been at an end. But she had
finished and once again she had lost interest in me.
I lay back, put my free hand behind my head and tried to ignore the
pressure of my erection against the sheets. She was still playing
games with me. After all I’d said she still played games.
Then she giggled. I could feel the little convulsions shake her body.
She hugged my arm, hard. And pressed my fingers down into her pubic
hair. “How who doesn’t appreciate who’s sense of humour?” she rolled
over to face me and grinned. “I told you I’d do it properly tonight.
Didn’t I?”
She kissed me, pushing her tongue deep into my mouth. I responded
automatically. She pulled her mouth off mine, “Didn’t you believe me?”
She started to lick under my chin and gently bit my Adam’s apple. I
thought of Jasmine.
“Do you like this as much as I do?” her voice whispered.
“Mmmm,” I replied as she started to rub her body against mine.
My erection pressed into her, my hands made their own way across her
gorgeous skin and I was lost in a sea of sensual delight. My body
loved her, but that was all. Deep in my heart I discovered a lump of
ice that wouldn’t melt.
We rode and rode into the early morning. Then fell asleep in each
others arms, exhausted. It took me a long time to come. Not because I
wanted to prolong her pleasure any more. But because I didn’t want to
come in her. And when I came it was just a little trickle. And while
she fell asleep, exhausted and contented, on top of me, I lay awake
staring at the dark ceiling. One thought kept going through my mind.
She was still playing games with me. After all I’d said to her, she
was still playing games.